where to begin?
yesterday i braved meeting up with arf and lis... it was awkward again, but okay. then lis left and arf asked me to go for a drink with him, so i did. i then started crying in the middle of the pub, telling him this is too hard and i don't like it. then karen rang and asked why i wasn't at work. i was 100% sure i wasn't in til saturday. she was fine with it but i still cried more.
i then went home and started crying on my mumma. i was hysterical. she told me i need to get out of this and live my life, that having a boyfriend doesn't do me any good because i end up trying to live my life through someone else. that i need to try and push harder to get the jobs i want, that i need to get some self belief. i started crying and screaming more, telling her i didn't want to be here anymore, that life is too hard and i don't like it, that i was sorry for being a shit daughter. she then took the tough love approach, and told me if i don't change and do something about it, i will end up in hospital. after a while i calmed down, went for a nap because my head hurt.
i spoke to arf and told him i can;t see him for a while, because it got me into a state. then we had a really long conversation, and i told him how i feel about myself and my life...all the mistakes i made. he told me he didn't split up with me just because of uni, it was also because he could see i was putting all my happiness into ''us'' and not myself. that he found it hard to see how i hate myself so much, and that being in a relationship was the only way i'd feel safe and secure.... it unsettled him because he knew it'd hit me hard when he does go to uni, and he didn't want to try and change me... that i need to do that on my own and get better and love myself instead of loving everyone but me. to be honest, i felt a sense of calm after talking to him... it gave me a lot of answers which i didn't have before.
this break up with arf has made me see that i do need to get my life sorted out and start living, instead of hiding from it. in a way i am thankful that he has given me some sort of opening, a time to change. i do still love him, i think i always will. i didn't fall in love with him because he was willing to be with me, i fell in love because of who he is.
i don't feel so bitter anymore, towards him or me. i am sad we are not together, but maybe when i'm better and both of us are more content in our lives...who knows? we might be together. for now i am happy to be best friends. i don't think i could do any of this without him. hes made it clear that he cares, and that he is here for me.
so i guess now i'm on a road to some sort of recovery.... i need to get my medication changed because its not helping. i need to get some self esteem and learn to be content with myself, to be able to be by myself, to be able to chase my dreams.
i've made a small list of things i want to achieve by this time next year. i've also made a list of my good qualities, with the help of my friends. i'm going to turn it into a painting and put it on my wall so i see it everyday... i hope in some small way that will help.
i've got a list of people to call and enquires to make to get a career in looking after special needs children.
i really need to do this or i might die.